Ad “A magical love affair”
(my comments on “A magical love affair” by charmed9292)
I have to admit reading of this story was an exercise in
frustration for me. I think the general idea of Petunia and
Severus crying over one another’s shoulder is a great. Both of
them are nicely complicated and somehow tragical persons, so they
provide great opportunity for writing a good story. Also, the
beginning of the story (Petunia waking in a bad mistaking Severus
for her teddy bear) is great and actually pretty neatly written.
However, the moment they open their mouths, the execution falls
down completely, which is sad given this is mostly a dialogue
story. I see couple of reasons for this:
Language. There is just no way how two teenagers under the
influence whiskey both in the middle of mental breakdown talk
to each other in the long multi-clause compound sentences using
words like “albeit”. Get yourself a long swig of whiskey and
before writing each sentence down, pronounce it loud. I think
the only sentences you are allowed to use are something like
“You broke her heart, you bastard!” and even that is too
complicated. Runaway sentences, sentence fragments … those are
structures you should prefer, not long complex statements you
have.
I know that English is probably not your native language,
neither it is mine (hello from Prague!), but English really
doesn’t work well with complex complicated compound
constructs. Make it more simple, make it more simple, make it
more simple. KISS principle (keep it simple stupid!). Full
stop is your best friend in the world!
Language issues relate to
Too fast reconciliation. I just don’t believe that they would
overcome their issues so fast and easily.
I and the public know
What all schoolchildren learn,
Those to whom evil is done
Do evil in return.
-- W. H. Auden, 1. September 1939
Exactly because how broken and wounded they are, they are more
likely to hurt each other, to spew their prejudices over each
other, they will fight, and only after long struggle they may
forgive each other. And only through their eventual mutual
forgiveness they may find some path toward each other. You
fell in the trap of every other author: you want to have them
together so fast, you make it too easy for them. And I, as
reader, punish you by not believing you. I just cannot accept
they would pour out their hearts to each other so easily. They
are generally horribly wounded and in result rather awful and
pathetic persons. Only through forgiveness and asking for it,
they can find a way towards each other. At least for at least
half of what you have written so far they should misunderstand
each other, distrust each other, and they should be rather
nasty to each other. Only in the last two chapters (when they
fight about their attitude towards Lilly) they begin to be at
least slightly believable (ignoring horribly convoluted
language, see 1.) Which relates to
Show, don’t tell. Again, I don’t believe that so broken and
damaged teenagers would be capable of so deep introspection
and self-reflection. I don’t want them talk about how much
distrustful they are to each other, I want them to show it.
They are on the edge, or beyond the edge, of loosing their
control, they have no hope for their lives (perhaps they are
even a bit suicidal?), they cannot talk like Sigmund Freud
next to his analytical couch. Don’t bother me with their
psychological self-analysis, show me what state of mind they
are in.
I am sorry for harsh words, but reading of this story made me
really frustrated. There is so much opportunity, such great idea,
parts of the story are brilliant, and yet in the end the result
is falling far far short of what can be achieved. What Michael
Crichton wrote:
Books aren’t written - they’re rewritten. Including your own.
It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after
the seventh rewrite hasn’t quite done it.
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Harry Potter and Aristotle
Aristotle in the seventh and eighth chapter of his Poetics
writes:
Now, according to our definition, Tragedy is an imitation of
an action that is complete, and whole, and of a certain
magnitude … As therefore, in the other imitative arts, the
imitation is one when the object imitated is one …
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Dudley has a witch as a daughter
(review of Must Have Changed A Lot)
This certainly works as a one-shot, but as many (most?) fanfics
it is necessary to distinguish between exposition and story.
There are zillion fanfics with at least interesting exposition
(OK, so not only "what if Harry was a girl/has a sister"), but …
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Evangelium království
(kázání pronesené ve sboru ČCE Praha-Braník, 29. července 2018)
Po Janově uvěznění přišel Ježíš do Galileje a hlásal evangelium Boží.
A říkal: „Naplnil se čas a přiblížilo se Boží království;
čiňte pokání a věřte evangeliu.“
—Marek 1:14-15
Když se zeptám křesťanů na to, co je evangelium, většinou dostanu
celkem …
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Loving Vincent
Movie “Loving Vincent” is certainly an experience worthy of the
tickets to go to the cinema. The main idea of it is to make
“animated” film by painting endless number of quality oil
paintings in the style of Vincent van Gogh about the painter
himself. I have been warned that …
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Pokud nebude hnutí ANO trvat na účasti A. Babiše ve vládě, měli bychom …
(odpověď v interním dotazníku KDÚ-ČSL)
Podle mého „na jednání o naší případné účasti ve vládě
přistoupit“. Zde je můj komentář (který se do formuláře nevešel).
Zároveň zcela souhlasím s tím, že lidovci (a každá politická
strana) vstupovala do voleb s tím, že jsou ochotni se zasazovat
o správu věcí veřejných …
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O panu Drahošovi a ozbrojení obyvatelstva
(komentář k diskusi na Facebooku k včerejší diskusi
prezidentských kandidátů panů Drahoše a Zemana)
Byl jsem z té včerejší diskuse upřímně nešťastný (tedy z pěti
minut, které jsem vydržel sledovat).
Ne, proto, že by novinář Primy byl neschopný minimální novinářské
práce a jenom se snažil přivést diváctvo co nejvíce do …
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On Lying
(a comment to the blogpost by Robert O’Callahan)
I think the truthfulness among Christians is overrated. Here,
I said it.
OK, before saying anything else, I have to say that it is very
important, and I know what I am talking about. I had my brush
with an addiction …
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Podpora kandidátů na prezidenta
(z emailové diskuse)
K obavám z roztříštěnosti:
Pokud v prvním kole bude mít Zeman více než 50% hlasů, bude
zvolen. Pak je úplně jedno, kolik hlasů dostane Drahoš
a Fišer. Pokud v prvním kole nedostane více než 50%,
a předpokládejme, že do druhého kola se dostane, pak záleží na
kandidátovi …
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Review of “Escape” and “Mr and Mrs Percy Weasley”
There is a biblical verse from Galatians 3:3: “Are you so
foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected
by the flesh?” What I mean is that “Escape” and “Mr and Mrs
Percy Weasley” started as one of the best fanfictions I found
anywhere. Obviously, from …
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Úvaha postvolební
Co jsem napsal dnes ráno jednomu kamarádovi na IM:
Tak já Ti nevím. Jsem hodně nešťastnej z té včerejší
post-volební diskuse předesedů vítězných stran. Kromě toho,
že jsou morálně radikální názory dost neuctivé k milionu
a půl našich spoluobčanů, tak efektivně dotlačili Bureše
k tomu, že v této chvíli jediná …
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On The Third Way or the Reply to Dave
(Comment to the article by Dave Schmelzer on a Christian and
politics)
Hi, Dave,
let me add couple of comments from this side of The Pond.
First of all, of course, I blame completely confused American
terminology, especially in the political matters. Here Socialists
are not afraid to call themselves …
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Yet another on the infallibility in the Church
(written originally as yet another comment to the blogpost “How Many
Theologians Does it Take To Define Infallibility?” by Melinda Selyms)
First of all: thank you, these are very good questions, which actually made me
think (doesn’t happen that often on blog comments).
Certainly, some rules are necessary even …
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The Holy Protestant Tradition?
(written originally as a comment to the blogpost “How Many
Theologians Does it Take To Define Infallibility?” by Melinda
Selyms)
I am a Protestant, so I am not entitled to bring much to this
discussion, but we were yesterday with my wife in Wittenberg, so
I cannot resist to add …
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On “A Painfully Familiar Reason for Using NFP”
Record of my comment to another nice article by Melinda Selmys.
This is one of those sad places where I am afraid my voice will
be completely ignored, because exactly the people who will most
dogmatically insist on NFP will be the ones who will be the least
likely to …
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Review of Aftershocks
Some thoughts on the fan fiction Aftershocks.
We need to know without a shadow of a doubt that Padma did not
kill Parvati before we can move on.
I am extremely confused about this whole work. On the one hand
there are some parts which are really trully excellent. Whole …
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What We Were Made For: Gratitude For Normal
(unfortunately, FanFiction.net allows only one review per
chapter, so I was not able to add this to my review of
chapter 90 of The Missing Moments by Ash-and-Vine).
When I was something like fourteen I was in hospital for surgery
which made me for a week unable to move …
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What is racism?
With relation to the current affair of kids running on their
father on live BBC News there was discussion on our the
internal email list of my employer. This is one side comment
I made there:
[…] Yes, it is a wrong idea, slightly racist, perhaps, but
these thoughts happen.
(Someday …
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The Problem of Neil Gaiman
So, it happened. I read “The problem of Susan” by Neil Gaiman and
I am completely disgusted by it. Not because Aslan did the White
Witch proper, or because he ate all those lovely little
children. Serves them well, and it is certainly the author’s
prerogative to decide that …
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1. září 1939
W. H. Auden
Původní překlad anglického originálu vytvořil Ivo A. Benda, upraveno.
Sedím v jedné z putyk
Na Dvaapadesáté ulici
Jsem nejistý a mám strach
Zatímco umírají chytré naděje
Ubohého, nepoctivého desetiletí:
Vlny hněvu a strachu
Cirkulují v jasných
I temných zemích světa
A tíží naše soukromé životy;
Nevyslovitelný pach …
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Láska nebo strach. Vyberte si.
Dan Drápal napsal do dnešních (7. února) Lidových novin velice
hezký článek „Co chybí Junckerovým scénářům.“ V zásadě mi
nezbývá, nežli s ním souhlasit, ale přece jenom bych rád přičinil
několik poznámek na jeho okraj.
Jednak je asi třeba zdůraznit, že je velice dobře, že nějaká Bílá
kniha vůbec vznikla …
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Harry Potter … poznámky jako odpověď
Argonantus napsal poměrně rozsáhlou recenzi všech románů Harryho
Pottera. Pokusím se zachovat starověce a dodat dostatečně dlouhé
citace, aby to dávalo smysl.
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Harry Potter as the teacher of DADA
I just want to shout loud agreement with many these negative
reviews of “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child”. It is really
a bad fan fiction signed off by J. K. Rowling for reasons I don’t
want to speculate about (yes, I guess, most her money go to
Lumos …
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Nezlořeč králi
(původně psáno jako odpověď příteli na podzim 2016, ještě před
zvolením pana Trumpa za amerického prezidenta)
V poslední době mnoho lidí zlořečilo zvláště v Praze panu
presidentu Miloši Zemanovi. A to nikoliv v soukromí, ale na
veřejných shromážděních.
Dovol mi abych se k tomuhle vyslovil, protože si myslím, že tohle …
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Post-Communist Conservatism
While listening to the episode 30 of the Eastern Border
podcast (a very touching one, thank you, Kristaps), I was touched
by his notion of the post-Communist conservatism. The idea is
that many nations in the former Eastern block seem to be a way
more conservative than people in the …
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